If you’re ready to get back into the dating game, or even if you’re just thinking about it; Rescu. recommends the new eHarmony book ‘Dating the Second Time Around: Finding Love That Lasts’. The ultimate guide to dating again; giving you the tools you need help you find lasting love.
Rescu. chats with Dr. Gian Gonzaga; the Senior Director of Research and Development at eHarmony…
RESCU: Could you tell us about your career?
Dr. Gian Gonzaga: It initially started with my completion of a bachelor’s degree in psychology, which then lead to my obtainment of a doctorate in Personality-Social Psychology. Prior to joining eHarmony I worked with world-renowned marriage researcher Dr. Thomas Bradbury at the University of California, Los Angeles. There we researched the factors that led to marital success as part of an 11-year study of married couples. I also worked with Dr. Shelley Taylor, a leading expert in how social relationships buffer individuals against stress.
RESCU: Why do you think dating websites like eHarmony have become so popular?
Dr. Gian Gonzaga: Meeting people and dating have become extremely hard and dating websites match individuals to people with similar interests, goals etc. Through our research, we have the ability to match people whom are extremely compatible and it makes the dating game a whole lot easier.
RESCU: Do you think dating websites are effective?
Dr. Gian Gonzaga: Well eHarmony alone is responsible for an average of 542 US marriages per day…so yes I do!
RESCU: Can you tell us a bit about the book ‘Dating the Second Time Around: Finding Love That Lasts’?
Dr. Gian Gonzaga: This book aims to help you understand yourself better and equip you with all the tools needed to find a relationship that’s better, stronger and more satisfying that your last. It compiles all of the insights we at eHarmony have developed by studying thousands of singles and married couples over the past decade. It also contains practical relationship advice to help people overcome common dating obstacles and make better relationship choices. As the director of eHarmony Labs I’ve come across many people looking for love again after a divorce, bereavement or the end of a long-term relationship. The people we meet in our labs are often ready to find love again but are unsure about where to start or how best to put themselves ‘out there’.
RESCU: What advice would you give to people who are looking for love?
Dr. Gian Gonzaga: Individuals need to establish themselves the second time round before they settle down. They need to figure out WHAT the reasons are and WHY it didn’t work out the first time around.
Also, don’t rush things and get to know someone.
“Before you drag them to a clinic for a blood test to check wether they have any genetic disorders they could pass on to your offspring, try to find out whether you actually enjoy each others company.” – Dating the Second Time Around: Finding Love That Lasts
RESCU: What do you think makes a successful relationship?
Dr. Gian Gonzaga: It’s imperative for a successful relationship to have a similar mindset; a person who wants to go out every Friday night compared to someone who just wants to stay in – generally won’t work. Of course every couple needs differences, that’s what keeps it interesting but you do need a similar outlook on your future, beliefs, interests and goals. If you spend you’re life constantly doing different things to your partner and working towards different goals – what’s the point in actually having them as your ‘life companion’?
“There are bound to be bad times, when you are not communicating well, but there should also be times when you feel a little pang and realise you are falling more deeply in love.” – Dating the Second Time Around: Finding Love That Lasts
RESCU: So you don’t believe that opposites attract?
Dr. Gian Gonzaga: To a certain extent they do. People are genetically predisposed to be attracted to something that is a novelty and someone with complete different tastes, views and personality traits attract a person as they are subconsciously seen as a fun novelty. However, how long this relationship will last for is another story. Research has proven that similar minded people work better together and last in the long -term.
RESCU: Do you believe in love at first sight?
Dr. Gian Gonzaga: I believe that you can be physically attracted to someone and have an instant psychological attraction at an intense level – this will mimic feelings of love and can sometimes progress into a successful relationship but how it will look 20 years down the track…well you can’t be sure.
I personally believe that you can know that you are attracted to someone and have chemistry but there is no way that you can realise on your first meeting or even on your first date that you want to spend the next ten years and longer with that person.
RESCU: What are some valuable lessons you have learnt through your research?
Dr. Gian Gonzaga: Mainly that most people are traditional at heart and do want to get married at some point. Even with all of these ‘modern relationships’ our research has shown that deep down we want that life-long companion recognised by the institute of marriage.
We have also discovered that divorce rates are lessoning and have been since people started getting married and settling down later in their lives. In a study of over 20,000 couples it was found that couples who got together later in life when they were financially secure, emotionally stable and aware of exactly what they wanted, survived much more than couples who got married young and before they went through the hard times that are inevitable to any relationship.
