A question came up recently – how do you go about sex if you are shy? As a sexologist, I posed another question – what makes women these days feel shy about wanting sex? It’s not a straight forward answer with many facets impacting why women might shy away from driving bedroom bliss.
Labels
It’s an exhausting balancing act being a modern women these days and trying to fit into some sort of sexual role or label – virgin, sexually liberated, submissive, pure, dating and out there, house wife and mother with a twist.
Women have been given the green light to sexual freedom, desire and wanting sex but there seems to be a line that we are punished when we cross it but have no concrete definition or limit to where it is. There is a point at which women are made to feel slutty for wanting sex, for desiring too much sex or perusing it too aggressively and we are forced to navigate through this to find the label we want to be.This might be from a partner or those around a person, but even worse it might be internally from the beliefs one person has inside their own head about themselves. Yes – we are our very own worst enemies even when it comes to the fear of being called a slut. We don’t need anyone else to degrade our sexual desire because we are capable of doing it ourselves.
This inner voice can kick it at the one moment when we think we might just put ourselves out there sexually but fear sets in as negative judgment looms and the shy girl can appear. For many women especially in relationships that question arises, ‘can you be caring, nurturing and a somewhat submissive in a relationship but still be a kinky mix wanting sex in the bedroom?’
So how does one challenge those negative internal thoughts from within?
- Start by identifying where they come from eg cultural beliefs, a friend, media or a partner. Sometimes just working out where they come from might help you to dismiss them.
- Eliminate the source if possible from your inner circle. Eg maybe it is a magazine you are reading or someone you are following on instagram or a friend that makes you feel bad for the way you act or talk about sex.
- If there are negative beliefs attached to a label, ask yourself why? If someone is calling you a slut, why is that word necessarily bad? Is having sex with more than one person a sin?
- Give yourself a new label if you feel you don’t fit in to the ones that already exist. It’s your life so you have the freedom to call yourself and your sexual life whatever you want.
Am I normal?
The biggest impact on all people when it comes to sexuality, female, male, shy or even the outgoing is that question, “Am I normal?” and the fear of maybe not being.Especially for women who tend to stay upstairs in their sometimes over thinking minds instead of focusing on what’s going on down the other end might be wondering if their desires, fantasies and sexual wants are really normal.
In life sometimes we feel the need to conform and unfortunately our sex lives are never entirely safe from this. It is truly enough to send someone back into their shell and keep them in the word that often says women should not be the peruses and desirers of sex. But — and this is the key bit of information to set you free — there is no such thing as normal when it comes to sex.
We are given the beliefs of what I like to call the ‘should be religion’ which dictates, ‘this is what a women should be, this is how she should go about sex’. But the issues with this religion unlike any other, is no one knows where these ‘should be’ prophecies come from and they are not handed down by any God, so why then do people abide and listen to it? Because they are seeking normality?
To challenge this belief;
- Chant to yourself as many times as possible “ there is no such thing as normal, there is no such thing as normal, there is no such thing as normal”
- Ask yourself if you live by the “should be” stance and where you get these beliefs from? Is it from a cultural belief or family upbringing? When did you decide something “should be” a particular way?
- See if you internal beliefs on how you want to live are matching up with your external behaviors? If not it might be time to ask yourself why? Is an idea of normality getting in the way of your happiness and internal wants and desires?
- Take time to look at those around you and take notice of the different lives they live. Maybe your friends and colleagues might give you some insight into the notion that normal doesn’t exist, so why then are you fighting to hard to fit into the idea?
Body image
Women might seem more confident these days when it comes to flaunting flesh and being so called ‘sexy’, however low self esteem is at an all time high. This struggle with self esteem is enough to make any women shy in the bedroom with thoughts such as, ‘is my body ok, what will he think of my thighs, will he see the cellulite on my legs, taking over our sexual minds.
Women becomes so introverted when they are concerned about body image and it really is enough not only to stop them from perusing sex but having sex in general. Add to this a fear of rejection which, I think, nearly all humans have.
If a woman is feeling a little low on self esteem, then gets the courage to pursue someone for sex (which can also sometimes be an attempt to get that self-esteem back) and gets rejected, it’s enough to send them over the edge and reaching for the bottle of vodka and the block of chocolate. Even in a relationship, sexual rejection from a partner or those little words, ‘not tonight I’m not in the mood’ can play havoc on a woman’s self esteem. I only wish women could love themselves more and maybe there would be less problems in the bedroom and in life and more women getting out there and going after what they want, sexually and non sexually.
Body image is never a simple and easy issue to fix, but there are some simple things you can do along the way:
- Instead of being critical of the things you hate about yourself, focus on the things you love. When women look in the mirror they tend to go straight for the parts they are self conscious about, but what if you could focus on the positive parts? It’s all about changing your mind set.
- Do something that makes you feel beautiful and celebrate your body. In order to have a positive image of one’s self, treat yourself like you love yourself. Get a blow wave, your nails done and wear something that flaunts your best assets not hides or covers you.
- Surround yourself by people and situations that make you feel good about yourself, not the other way around. Sometimes certain people make us feel insecure or certain situations bring us down. Ensure to identify these and stay away. Social media is included in this one. Are you following someone or a few people that impact your self esteem?
- Know that all women no matter what shape or size suffer at some point from low self esteem. This is very powerful to know if you are feeling like the odd one out.
