Caught with your significant other in your little brother’s old room, with your parents (or theirs) next door? In a field beside thousands of other festival-going young things? On a sofa bed at a party? Here’s how to manage without waking anybody or causing supreme embarrassment at the breakfast table.
First things first: there are some situations where being naughty is just off the menu, because there is literally no way to do it discreetly. On a plane is one of those times.
Doing anything in your seats under blankets is risking annoyance to other flyers – and even if you’re in a deserted row in a half-empty plane, there are still air hosts and hostesses, and they really do not need to see more groping in their lives. Neither do those seats.
And unless you time it precisely for when everybody is likely to be asleep for hours, sneaking off to the bathroom will result in a pile-up and angry, inconvenienced other passengers. Stick to making out and leave the heavier stuff for land. Do you really want to be glared at for the next 12 hours? Nope.
On the other end, there are semi-public spaces where it’s OK to be less than neurotic about secrecy. Music festivals are the classic example of this one, particularly bohemian ones (if you aren’t too unwashed and mud-covered to avoid sex altogether). The key here is not to wake anybody up or traumatise any children, and to keep everything inside the tent. Also, hot tip – sex toys are not good friends to take camping.
However, in other circumstances it’s possible to have the quietest, most inconspicuous sex ever – but you’ve both got to be committed.
Work out if the bed or sofa squeaks, bumps the wall, casts shadows or is otherwise going to give the game away. Many a sneak sex session has been spoiled by bad springs.
Make it a game to keep all noises to the absolute minimum. If you are a habitual screamer, this may take practise beforehand. You might think those groans and whispered giggles could be construed as innocent, but your neighbours aren’t daft. Use sign language, mouth directions, be as eloquent as you can be without making a sound. This can actually be fun rather than frustrating.
If you need a bit more leeway, stick some music or the television on. They’ll still know what you’re doing, but they may appreciate your attempt to be discreet.
The trick of all sneaky intimate times? Being able to look completely innocent if you’re interrupted by anybody halfway through. There are very few positions which can look merely like sweet snuggling – missionary is very difficult to explain – but one is a never-fail classic.
Lie on your side with your partner spooning you from behind, and proceed from there, communicating in strokes and slow movement. If anybody walks in or surprises you, you’re innocently sleeping.
A classic mistake many novices make is to think that making very short, limited movements is the easiest way to create the least noise. This is a fallacy – intense, long slowness is the way to go, even if it’s far from your usual style together.
And always, always get rid of any evidence. Wash the sheets yourself, take out the trash with the condom wrappers, wash any toys in the bathroom while ‘brushing your teeth’ – keep it all incognito and nobody will be any the wiser.
Lady Friday xx
Taking the pillow talk out of the bedroom, every Friday…
