If your partner is giving Edward Cullen a run for his money in the clingy department, you need to get your hands on RESCU’s six tips for gaining some breathing space… without winding up single. You can thank us later (when you’re out for a drink with the girls!).
There’s a famous part in Eddie Murphy’s 80s film Raw in which he imitates ‘the modern woman’:
“Dude: Where you goin’?
Girlfriend: Excuse me?
Dude: I said, where you goin’?
Girlfriend: You don’t own me. You got a whole lot of nerve, come and ask me where I’m going. I don’t gotta answer to no man. Ain’t no man going to tell me where I can go. Who do you think you are? [Etc, etc, etc.]
Dude: … Okay.”
This, ladies, is what you might call taking your right for independence a little too far.
There are, of course, better, more appropriate ways to tell your overprotective partner to back off and let you breathe a bit. In the first heady days of relationships it’s common to act like you’re conjoined twins – but women have seen so many studies telling them ‘Independent Lives Are Crucial To Healthy Relationships’ that we may as well have it hung above our cribs at birth.
Six Tips to Get Your Independence Back
- Set boundaries firmly
It’s important for your partner to understand that your time away from them – your hobbies, your spare time, your friends – is pretty much non-negotiable. Drop plans with others into conversation ahead of time, particularly regular ones. - Don’t feel pressured
It’s perfectly all right to refuse to answer questions about what you did if you feel that it’s becoming invasive, or to refuse to stop doing a particular activity even though your partner wants you to. This is a touchy area, so be diplomatic, clear and calm when standing up for yourself. - Don’t exclude them
You continue to have your hobbies, friends and exterior interests because that’s what makes you the person you are. Tell your partner about your day, what you did when they weren’t around; you’re an exciting person, so show it. - Be honest
Don’t make the mistake of concealing plans to avoid your partner’s reaction. That never ends well. - Focus on your partner when you’re with them
‘We’ time is just as crucial as ‘I’ time to a healthy relationship, so really make it count when you’re together. This may sound like it contradicts the third tip, but it doesn’t really. People who cling or show over-protective behaviour tend to be insecure and need reassurance, and if you don’t provide that, your life will be difficult. - Target specific behaviours that bother you
Don’t say ‘I hate it when you’re over-protective’. Say ‘I’d like to talk to you about your calls asking who I was with last night/your checking up on me yesterday/your problem with me going out last week’.
Check out the following for further tips and tricks:Article on ’Intimacy & Independence’ from Associated Relationship & Marriage Counsellors Sydney.
Article on ‘How To Maintain Independence In Your Relationship’ by Susan Quilliam.
Kahlil Gibran’s The Prophet has an excellent section on balancing ‘space’ and ‘togetherness’ in relationships.
