Recently the story of a gaming journalist who went straight to the mothers of young boys who had been trolling her with sexist name-calling and violent threats went viral. As the story progressed, questions about where blame should be placed arose and many mothers got to wondering; how can we raise the type of men who would never dream of such behaviour being ok in any world (real or digital)? How can we raise men who treat as equals? How can we raise the kind of respectful men we’d want to marry?
When we hear a story of such disgraceful behaviour from a young man, the parent must be acknowledged as partly responsible. I do not believe that most well-raised boys would consider this appalling behaviour towards a female. Parents that raise their sons with ethics, morals and equality standards may not always have a perfectly behaved child, however they most certainly should not experience this type of behaviour from them.
To ensure our sons are learning the right skills for their life as a man, a future partner and father, we first demonstrate to our sons the right way a man should behave and the way a woman expects a man to treat her. We show our sons clearly what is accepted from her male partner and what is not, how a man should speak and language that should and should not be used. We hope this can be influenced correctly from our son’s father and even if it is not, a mother can still influence her son’s behaviour even if his father may not model correct behaviour.
If the mother is clear that the father’s behaviour is not acceptable and makes these unacceptable behaviours clear to her son, he can start to learn what should not be said or done. It is then necessary to either show or explain the correct and acceptable manner in which a man should behave. If a role model of the father is not appropriate then ensure your son does obtain some good male role modelling. This can be from his grandfather, uncle or family friend. Make sure the son can be exposed to this good male role model of masculine behaviour not only as male behaviour but also towards the female as this is what the son needs to learn. Sometimes it is better if the male role model is not the father, if his modelling is unacceptable.
Always take time to speak and listen to your son, to accept his feelings and emotions as his even if at times you may not understand them. Our feelings are never wrong as they belong to us and are the one thing that makes us who we are, by the way we feel. Often boys and men find it difficult to express their true feelings and this is often due to confusion and rejection if they are told their feelings are not right. When you speak to your son remember that his feelings are always right and correct for him. We can certainly discuss them and even reframe so he may feel differently but he is never wrong with how he feels and should always be free to express what he is feeling.
It can be wise to have an outside mentor for the child, someone he admires respects and looks up to. This can be a family member, performer, sports player, anyone you believe is a good reflection of the man you want your son to be, a man who has good family values, treats others respectfully and is supportive and loving towards his family. We are blessed we have so many of these male role models for our sons. Talk about this person, have information about him in the private and public role, talk how kind and loving he is and explain this is what a true man is like. Often they really want to emulate their ‘hero’.
To ensure you as a mother raise your son to be the kindest, most wonderful male you can develop there are a few points to follow:
- Ensure your son realises that both parents play a role in raising their children and it is not the main job of the mother
- Insist that all members of the house undertake a role in the household chores and it is not the woman’s job to all household tasks.
- Demonstrate a woman is a strong and capable person that deserves respect from all members of the family meaning children and father
- Show the son that feelings and emotions can be displayed, and how this demonstration helps others understand how they are feeling. It is important that both parents show emotions however it is vital these emotions are not just anger or sadness, a balance is what is required.
Remember, it is a parent’s job to teach their sons that women are equal members of the community.
