Breaking up is hard to do – but staying in bad relationship is even harder. Here, Rescu. gives some advice on how to tell when a relationship is over.
Relationships are important things in our lives so when they seem to be failing or not giving the participants what they need, it can be difficult to decide when to say “enough is enough”. If you’ve built a life with a person, with kids, financial ties and many years of memories, the idea of leaving can feel terrifying.
Okay, Miranda in Sex And The City: The Movie had a pros and cons list when deciding whether to stick it out with Steve, but real-life relationships shouldn’t be based on positives outweighing negatives. So take that pros and cons list in your head – the one that says things like, “he doesn’t say he loves me anymore, BUT he treats the kids nicely” – and throw it away.
Instead, sit down and make a list of things you’d like to get out of your relationship – things you need to flourish personally and within your relationship. Don’t be resentful or blaming – instead of “he never buys me flowers”, write “I want somebody who buys me flowers”. Focus purely on yourself and your needs. Do you need daily affection? Do you need somebody who listens to you about your day? Do you need them to be 100% involved in your kids’ welfare? Are you afraid of being on your own?
When weighing up how your relationship is going, look at it with the detachment of a forensic scientist. But be warned, you may not like what you see. Think about the areas you might be able to nut out with your partner. Some issues may be bigger than you can handle on your own so consider enlisting a relationship counsellor to help you through a rough patch. Trained counsellors are able to help you see whether the relationship is worth salvaging and give you and your partner the tools to either get the relationship back on track, or part ways without too much emotional fallout. Mira Kirshenbaum’s book ‘Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay’ has further information that can help you discover the health of your relationship.
When there are children involved, you may feel as if you need to stay because breaking up the home will damage them. This might not be wrong, but consider it carefully. Is your unhealthy marriage affecting them adversely? Can you both be effective parents in this situation? Are you going to resent your children if you stay for their benefit? Be very honest with yourself. Talk to people who grew up in divorced homes, if necessary.
If you’re giving your relationship a ‘grace period’ to problem-solve, work on issues, and see how things work out, stick to it. Don’t give endless second chances. If you’ve decided to leave, plan – throw your energies into it. Go to a financial advisor at your bank whom you trust to be confidential, and discuss your financial independence. If you have children, it’s going to be necessary to talk to a lawyer. Figure out what you want to walk away with. Also, take care of yourself, so that you feel healthy, strong and able to land on both feet when you decide to leave.
Being alone after a long period in a relationship is difficult, so surround yourself with friends and family for as long as it takes. Remember: you’re always better on your own than in an unhappy or damaging situation. Being solo is not the end – often it’s a new beginning.
For more information and advice on seeking counselling, consult Relationships Australia www.relationships.com.au (nationwide)
Mira Kirshenbaum’s book ‘Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay’ can be bought at www.amazon.com
