By Kathryn Eisman. RESCU’s Love and Dating Expert.
Getting through a separation. Whether it’s a divorce or you’re separating after just a few weeks, breaking up is hard to do. How can we get through a break-up without hurting our ex or ourselves too much?
On August 11, 1962 a song written by Neil Sedaka reached No.1 on the US billboards and became a huge hit all over the globe, translated into over 20 languages. Over the last 50 years that same song has been rerecorded by no less than 31 recording artists, ranging from David Cassidy to Tom Jones, Gloria Estefan to Alvin and the Chipmunks. It will be little surprise that the song that universally literally hit a cord of truth with people irrespective of nationality, age or even generation is called “Breaking Up Is Hard To Do”. Both you and I know why, because it bloody well is!
It doesn’t matter whether it’s your first love or your first husband, saying goodbye to the person you thought you’d spend forever with creates a hole so cavernous in one’s heart (and routine) that it feels you might just be swallowed up by it.
So how do you survive a break up? The key is to have some ground rules set beforehand, so that when your life feels like it’s falling apart you at least have some structure to cling to which will give you a small but crucial feeling of power over your circumstances.
Each person must make up their own ground rules to suit their particular circumstance, however these suggestions might help you devise some of your own:
1. If you feel a break or break up is necessary, set a specific amount of time where you will not be in contact with them in order to clear your mind and regroup. It could be a single night, a week or a month, with the option to extend. Having that clearly delineated time frame means you’ll have the space to actually reflect and heal rather than being distracted wondering, “will he call me today?” or “should I drop over to his house later tonight?”
2. Get a plan. If you live together, work out where you and your ex are going to live in the short run. If you have children set up a visitation schedule with the kids so they don’t feel like they’re losing a parent already.
3. Try to honestly assess where your relationship started to go wrong. Don’t lay blame; rather, using “I” statements express anything that you believe damaged the relationship. What can you learn from this to prevent future relationships from suffering the same fate?
4. Be honest with yourself. In some cases there is a basic incompatibility and it takes maturity to realise that some loves are not meant to last a lifetime and that it’s no body’s fault.
5. Practice your listening skills when you talk to your ex about your relationship. Withhold judgment, no matter what your problems are. Concentrate on finding solutions.
6. Surround yourself with supporting uplifting friends and family. This is no time to hang out with your bitter, thrice divorced Aunt Bernadette! Instead spend time with friends who offer hope about finding love and laughter.
7.Look after yourself. No, that doesn’t mean chain smoking or quitting food entirely! More than ever you’ll need your strength, which means maintain a balanced diet. Even if you’ve lost your appetite (which is very normal) still make sure you eat a little protein, veggies and carbs (which are great for seratonin which fights depression) to balance your hormones and blood sugar levels. And get a good night’s sleep; nothing magnifies a broken heart quite like exhaustion. Go for a long walk, the fresh air and cardio will help clear your mind and get some much needed endorphins going!
8. Write those lists:
– All the things you are grateful for in your life.
– All the things you’ve leant from this relationship and its break up.
– All the things you’re looking forward to in life.
9. If you are a mess and can’t stop thinking about your current tragedy, set a time limit on how long each day you’re allowed to wallow in your own misery. I know it sounds callus but it really does work. I remember being miserable after a break up and setting aside 30 minutes each day when I was allowed to be a total mess. While I was at work, just knowing that I had that time once I got home made me able to get through the day. Sometimes we need to cry, but we can’t let it ruin the rest of our lives. Schedule in “heart break time” so you can remain functional while still exorcizing those emotional demons.
10. Give your heart and your body a break. It’s tempting to fall in love with the next half decent guy that gives you a second look. However you often transfer your emotions (both good and bad), and when the rebound relationship crashes it makes the heart ache twice as devastating. The only person you should be falling in love with right now, is yourself. Take a little time to get reacquainted with wonderful little old you, sans dude.
10. Believe in love again and get back out there. Chose to believe that we have multiple soul mates. Smile, be kind, put yourself out there and love will come find you when you least expect it.
Image Credit: Zimbio
