Lady Friday wants to know whether the third time’s still the charm…
Last week, out with friends, I wondered aloud: when SHOULD you sleep with somebody for the first time these days?
Immediately I had an answer. An American friend said, in her most non-negotiable voice, “Three. Absolutely three.”
However – and here’s the key thing – she couldn’t tell me why. It was just what she’d always been told, what she’d always done, and what she’d always believed – but justification? Not so much.
The third-date rule is like a mythical beast which has, to me, made as much sense as Courtney Love’s Twitter feed. Surely in the age of the Pill, post-feminism, sexual freedom, casual hook-ups and the webcam, the little matter of when you happen to sleep with somebody for the first time is individual?
Look deeper, though. We haven’t really gone as far down the feminist trail as we think we have. Sleep with somebody on the first date? ‘Slut.’ Wait until the fourth, the tenth, or whenever you’re goddamn ready? ‘Frigid.’
Women seem to be caught between these two poles, frantically trying (even now, even after Germaine Greer and Samantha Jones from Sex And The City) to make themselves look neither. The question of who will make the big labels and stick them on their foreheads – who judges this eternal and very silly competition – is up in the air. Is it the men who judge us, or is it other women?
A friend of mine sleeps with people as soon as possible for the extremely pragmatic reason that if their physical connection is bad, she doesn’t see much hope for the relationship. Her best friend is a Christian who doesn’t believe in sex before marriage. These are entirely compatible viewpoints, ladies.
More odd, though, is the notion that withholding sex is somehow powerful. ‘He won’t respect me if I sleep with him on the first date.’ ‘I have more of a hold on him if I make him wait.’ What on earth are our conceptions of men – and ourselves? Sex isn’t a tool to hook yourself a guy.
Abstinence isn’t power, either – it’s just a choice, and men make it too, more often than you’d think. People are complicated, and the best men – the ones I’d rather sleep with – are the ones who don’t judge, will respect your choices, and don’t give a damn about whether it’s the first, third or 18th as long as both of you get what you need and are happy.
The big problem with the third-date rule is that now it’s so expected, so traditional, stepping outside of it causes all kinds of problems. However, my model is based on being very open and honest about sex, which for a lot of people – regrettably – isn’t the case.
If I’m not going to sleep with somebody on the third date, I tell them so, so they won’t go home and worry that they had the BO of a muddy elephant.
Every relationship is different, and I say sleep with somebody when you feel like you want to sleep with somebody. Take it seriously, but accept that perhaps, weirdly enough, your unique connection between two unique people won’t fit the third-date paradigm.
Lady Friday xx
Taking pillow talk out of the bedroom, every Friday…
