So, let’s assume you did something less than wise, or that a previous partner you trusted was less clean than he or she made out, or it was all just an unfortunate accident. Now you have a new partner – and an STI. What to do? Simple answer: you have to tell them. However they’re going to judge you for it, it’s infinitely better than lying and endangering their health as well as yours. Be an adult. You ready?
Right. From here on in, it gets a little more complicated – so here’s RESCU’s tips for intimate confessions, keeping everything drama-free.
1. This is not a big deal.
STDs do not make you a freak, a slut, a bad decision-maker or a tainted partner. You still deserve love and affection. The proportion of Australian women with some form of STD is fairly mindboggling, though true statistics are hard to come by.
However, with nearly 330 million new cases reported worldwide annually, you’re hardly alone. It’s just a health problem, and you should treat it as such, not try to burn yourself for being a witch or the next Paris Hilton.
2. Get educated.
Before you go near your new partner, get all the information you can. If they have any questions – and it’s likely they will – you’ll need to have the answers. See a GP, your gynaecologist or any other sexual health professional.
Also, if possible, go onto a full course of treatment BEFORE hooking up. At least that way your new partner will understand you’re being active in dealing with the illness and taking steps for their protection.
Look into what they’ll need to do. Always wear a condom or a dental dam? Be careful of your bodily fluids? Look out for certain symptoms? Have the answers.
3. Set the scene.
The most important thing here is timing. Have the conversation before you have sex – even before you’ve moved things beyond first base. Raise it as soon as possible and work through the issues together.
Just a casual hook-up? Even more important, though you don’t have to worry so much about feelings. If it’s just sex, then making sure the sex is healthy is paramount.
If you didn’t know before you had sex with them (ie the symptoms showed afterwards or you got tested later), obviously talk about it as soon as you know.
Think of it as the same sort of conversation you’d have about, say, finances, or another health issue. You don’t talk about it in public or over coffee, but you don’t make a big fuss and take them out to dinner to ‘break the news’. Set a comfortable environment, get them to clear their time, let them know it’s important, and get going.
4. Have your talking points ready.
I don’t mean have debating cards (though you can if you like). Be straightforward. Rehearse the information you have – what it is, what the symptoms are, how long you’ve had it, and what this means for them.
Then – and this is important – take their questions. And listen very carefully.
5. If they freak out, let them calm down.
If you’ve decided to date somebody who seems to think of women with STDs in the same way that Anna Wintour thinks of obese people, keep calm.
After all, this is probably a shock to them. The initial reaction might not be positive, but after it fades and it becomes a fact rather than a Big Thing, they may have different feelings.
I’m not saying this is always true. If your partner immediately makes a disparaging remark about sluts and then blusters at the concept that he/she might need to take precautions or get tested, give them a thorough lesson on being supportive, or just kick ‘em out.
6. Let the talk be a one-time thing.
Don’t keep bringing it up compulsively. Be open about what you’re doing to help your own health, and if they have questions give all the time and thought you can to answering them properly, but this is a conversation about a health problem, not the end of the world.
Relax! People have relationships replete with STDs all the time. It’s a happy little image – you, your partner, and your genital warts, strolling down the beach hand-in-hand. It’s totally possible.
Lady Friday xx
Taking the pillow talk out of the bedroom, every Friday…
