Bedroom advice is everywhere. Good bedroom advice? That’s a little harder to find. Everybody and their dad has a line in intimate advice these days – and it can be hard to sort out what’s appropriate, good sense and likely to show results.
However, there are some – unfortunately common – tips given in magazines and blogs that are downright Bad Advice.
image via pinterest
Here are the top tips you should always ignore:
‘Spring [major new sexual practise] on them without asking! They’ll love it.’
Because what makes you feel more comfortable and in control of your bedroom experience than a sudden surprise onslaught of new, possibly off-putting things?
This tip is stupid – both for reasons of trust and reasons of consent.
Wanting to try something new is excellent. However, unless it’s a variation in usual position or technique (putting your tongue somewhere else, using a different rhythm, vanilla things involving ice cubes), it’s something that needs to be talked about beforehand or during.
This counts double for practises involving pain, power or bondage.
Do something serious without asking and you’re not giving them the chance to say yes or no, which is the right of every bedroom partner.
Talking about it – ‘tonight I want to do X to you, would you like that?’ – may seem un-glamourous, but it’s far better than a yell of dismay and a slap in the head. It can even be arousing.
If discussing it pre-bedroom isn’t an option for you, tell them you’re going to do it just before you do. You don’t need permission for every little thing – but anything involving anal, BDSM, dirty talk or kinks needs to be aired before trying. And don’t sulk if they say no.
Spring it on them, and even if they turn out to like it, a certain element of trust will be gone.
‘It was in an adult film, which means that all [people of a certain gender/orientation/etc] like it.’
This tip is often the source of a lot of questions to bedroom advice columns. “My partner likes adult films involving a particular kink; should I perform it for them?”
Adult films aren’t a good guide for intimacy. They’re performances. Some of the techniques are useful, but many aren’t, and taking them as realistic depictions of what all men and women want will just lead to cross-purposes.
The bedroom is a place of almost infinite variety. Just because all men in adult films seem to enjoy jack-hammering, insane positions involving three chairs and a clothesline, and coming on all surfaces available doesn’t mean they’ll like it in real life.
The point is, of course, the same for women. Don’t generalise based on adult films; your partner is a person, not a character.
‘Dirty talk is always acceptable.’
Though it’s become almost a mainstream part of bedroom scenes in movies and television shows, dirty talk can offend and upset some partners.
There are also different kinds. It can be simply lewd, about how you feel, what you’re going to do and why, or more serious, calling the partner/s names, making demands or adopting personae.
Besides – and this is the number one rule of modern bedroom life – what’s true for one person is not true for another. DO NOT spring dirty talk on somebody unannounced and assume they’re a prude if they disapprove.
Similarly, you have the right to say you feel uncomfortable if your partner says things to you which aren’t arousing.
‘This tip will liven up your bedroom life permanently!’
Lots of bedroom advice columns are always in search of the new ‘best’ position, practise, novelty or kink.
The problem with this approach? You’ll get into a cycle of dependency on novelty in the bedroom for arousal.
There are not an infinite amount of positions in the world, and the ultimate aim of exploring them should be to discover those that work and incorporate them into future practise – not a merry-go-round of new things.
If your bedroom life is stale, boring or lacks spark, there’s only so much a fresh new round of positions can do.
‘Bring in something edible to spice things up.’
This is one of the worst tips around, and can distinguish a bad advice column from a good one.
Food does not belong anywhere near your intimate areas. It can upset the pH levels and give you yeast infections, as well as causing all manner of other nasties.
Using anything from the kitchen as a lubricant or aid is an incredibly bad idea, sexy as it seems at the time.
Edible products are only OK if they go absolutely nowhere near the genitalia. Keep it restricted to the upper body and mouth, but the risk of getting cream, honey or anything of the kind mixed in intimate fluids is still high, and very non-sexual washing your hands needs to ensue.
Steer clear – and look askance at any column that advocates it as heaven.
Lady Friday xx
Taking the pillow talk out of the bedroom, every Friday…
