Got a new man and need to have ‘That Talk’ about your bedroom needs? Leave it all to Lady Friday.
To be honest, this topic is so easy I could answer it in a single word and leave it at that: TALK.
It’s bigger than that, though. Too many women’s magazines, I think, discuss men – particularly men in the context of relationships – as if they’re weird, scary beings who have to be placated, ‘understood’, and generally managed as gingerly as recalcitrant prize show-dogs. Otherwise, presumably, they’ll vanish.
Ladies, can I be honest? (Of course I can. It’s my column.) Telling your man what you want in bed is not an affair to be put off for fear of upsetting his ego, endangering your routine, or scaring him away. A lot of women – and I mean a LOT – say they’re afraid of rocking the boat early on in relationships. So they just accede to their partner’s sexual tastes, saying they’ll ‘bring it up later’.
Biggest problem with this? Being assertive about what you want and need in bed is the heaviest turn-on of all, for both partners. Besides, if you’re not getting your list checked, as it were, what’s the point?
If you want a fulfilling relationship, you’ve got to be able to talk about your desires. And if your new partner sulks, gets offended, or isn’t willing to compromise, clearly they’re not for you anyway. Honestly, who wants a baby in bed?
Besides, I’ll bet any Rescu. reader ten dollars that their new man just LOVES knowing what turns them on. Clues on how to please their lady, from the best authority there is? Jackpot!
New to assertiveness? Curious about what THEY want? Stage a bit of post-coital or private fantasy-sharing. Play ‘Bedroom 20 Questions’. Make the scene of asserting your sexual personality as sensual or clinical as you like – it’s whatever makes you comfortable. Generally, though, people like to talk about sex more when they’re in a vaguely private, sexual situation. Thus: while buying cornflakes? Not so much.
Also, be accepting and open. If you shut the door immediately on all their fantasies, why should they go along with yours? Sexual energies need a lot of give-and-take.
Keen to reveal your kinkier side, but not sure what to say? This is always a bit tricky, particularly if you’re at the more hardcore end of the bondage/domination/submission scale and your partner’s new to it.
Some women introduce it to their partners gradually, making more intense suggestions as the relationship escalates, but I’m more for putting your (leather-bound) cards on the table up front. If your partner’s not willing to experiment, it’s best to know early on.
In general? Be prepared to persuade and know your vocabulary, but don’t wheedle, bribe or withhold. This isn’t a game. Behave like an adult, and see what happens.
