That’s right – foodstuffs are the ‘kooky’ fetish everybody’s into. Yes, everybody.
To stop the questions once and for all, here it is: RESCU’s Guide to the top foods to use during sex – and the ones you should stay well away from.
THE NUMBER ONE RULE
Before we start, what’s your number one rule? KEEP IT AWAY FROM YOUR GENITALS.
This may seem counterproductive or even prudish, but food is not a ‘natural’ fit with sexual activity, and unless it’s ice (which is generally fine, if it’s from clean water), it will almost definitely cause issues, particularly for women.
The pH balance of the vagina is very delicate and particularly sensitive to sugars, which throw it off immediately. The uterine tract is also very hostile to strange bacteria. The upshot? Anything sugary – chocolate, cream, honey – and virtually everything else that isn’t sterile will be running the risk of giving yourself annoying infections.
And it’s not just women – men can have a bit of difficulty with food too, especially if they’re uncircumcised. Testicles are fine – any openings are not. Basic rule.
The good news? There’s plenty of fun to be had with food even if it doesn’t go near your actual genitalia. Stomach, butt, breasts, arms, thighs – you can lick it off virtually anywhere.
Also, lay down on thick towels and take a shower immediately afterwards to wash the food off. You go to sleep with this on, you wake up very unhappy.
YES
Whipped Cream
It’s a cliche because it works – and whipped is easier to control, which is why it’s the most popular.
You can make funny shapes on one another and still be able to lick it off.
However, make sure you’re not dating a diabetic or anything before breaking this out – the sugar rush can be slightly overwhelming.
Best to break it up with some strawberries or other suggestive fruit.
Fruit
Strawberries are the stand-by here, but there’s room to be more creative.
Go for sticky fruit that leaves interesting stains – blackberries, for instance – and has a nice smell. Be prepared for slight sourness or loss of tactile goodness as they warm and dissolve, though.
And if you choose bananas you are really unoriginal.
Dark Chocolate/Honey
The key to successful food in the bedroom is tactile multidimensional appeal – soft, good-smelling, capable of handling frequent touching and smearing, not delicate, and able to be sucked or licked off the body or the fingers.
The reason that dark chocolate and honey (though not together) are preferable in this sense is that they will keep their softness, although if the chocolate is very thick it may slightly solidify or ‘skin’ after a while on the body.
Look up proper body-paint made of chocolate rather than simply melting your supermarket brand in a pan.
As for honey, this is not for people who don’t enjoy stickiness – the residue will endure even after it’s licked off, which is interesting but an acquired taste.
And the key quality: less is more. Only apply as much as you can lick off – don’t slather and then leave it to set or attract flies.
Also, don’t stockpile. Particularly if you have other people living in the house, using a particular item for sex and then putting it back in the fridge is bad manners.
NO
Milk/Ice Cream
I’m sorry, but this one is just a really terrible idea. Lactose plus body heat will equal an awful smell in about half an hour, and the consistency is not sexy on the skin.
In music videos, the ‘milk’ with which the dancing women are doused isn’t milk – it’s watered-down white paint, and it’s probably pH balanced, which milk and ice cream are not. You are not a milk bar.
Cucumbers/Anything Similar
This is unwise and also redundant. There are many dildos in the world for every conceivable need, so you’d only be using household goods out of novelty and misguided mischief.
Save yourself a trip to the emergency room and don’t penetrate with anything organic that isn’t a penis or fingers.
If you absolutely must, use a condom and lube, and throw the offending item away immediately.
Things That Require Chewing
The principle of food in bed is the sensuality of the eating, with lips and tongue fully engaged.
Anything which requires heavy mastication will spoil the activity’s flow.
It also raises the possibility of food getting caught in teeth. Even oysters are meant to be swallowed in one go.
Sprinkles/Small Candies
These are a concern solely for the fact that they can go everywhere without your permission.
Do not employ them unless you’re sticking them to something definitively glue-ish. Your vagina will not react well to either one and it’s not worth the reaction.
Anything Salty
This is a personal taste issue, but it may also leave residue on your tongue which stings more sensitive areas later.
It’s also more likely to leave salty trails on the skin and to smell slightly odd after a little while being warmed.
Anything Spicy
Peppers anywhere near genitalia are a bad idea. This should be written in the history books.
The pain is immediate and will disentangle you both post-haste. Even sex after a very spicy meal should be attempted carefully, as residue on hands and mouths might cause nasty consequences.
Lady Friday xx
Taking the pillow talk out of the bedroom, every Friday…
