Bedroom-only relationships: Lady Friday knows the hows, the whys, and the definite don’ts.
Helen Gurley Brown said it first, but she won’t be the last – relationships based solely on sex can be healthy, satisfying and amazingly fun. I’m not talking about one-night stands (though they have their own merits), but long-term connections that stay only in the bedroom.
Considering keeping matters strictly between the sheets? First, a few myths dispelled. Wanting or having a primarily sexual relationship doesn’t make you a) a nymphomaniac, b) emotionally stunted, c) deprived, or d) incapable of commitment.
Yes, I’ve heard all of those, and here’s some news: they are all complete rubbish.
Chemistry’s a funny thing, ladies. There are men with whom your legs go weak who can’t hold your attention for two minutes outside the bedroom, and scintillating, charming guys who fail utterly once they’re naked.
Question is: why should we abandon the first type so quickly?
‘Nothing but sex’ doesn’t mean an empty, pointless relationship – things still have value if they don’t end in marriage and 2.5 babies. It means exploration, a relief of pressure and expectation, and adventure, without the emotional burdens of a romance. Doesn’t sound too shabby.
The important thing, straight off the bat, is to be honest. It’s difficult talking about Where This Relationship Stands, particularly with somebody who might (as is sometimes the case with purely sexual hook-ups) not know you well. Still – it has to be done.
Tell them, once the connection takes shape, what you want, and what you don’t want or aren’t ready for. Beforehand, though, make sure you know yourself. Sex for women is a bonding experience; it’s a part of our genetics. The amount of women who’ve plunged in feeling like Samantha from Sex & The City and ended up falling hopelessly in unattainable love must outnumber Simon Cowell’s hate mail.
This goes particularly for cases where it’s the guy who wants to keep things strictly sexual. Here’s a hint: if you’re sticking around hoping it’ll turn into something more, and he’s honest with you that it won’t, it really won’t.
Beyond the declaration that things won’t be going beyond the bedroom, there will be other, boundary-related issues. Should you meet each others’ friends? Will you go to dinner, or just dispense with the formalities? How should you introduce one another in public? Who should know? Will either of you see other people?
Most of these will have to be worked out as you go along – bringing them all up in one go would feel a bit military-manoeuvre-esque.
Me, I’m a member of the camp that advocates keeping purely sexual relationships uninvolved with the rest of one’s life. Some people mistake this for shame, but it’s more like simplicity – which is, after all, part of the point. Romance-free hook-ups navigate the treacherous waters of emotion and social rules by, well, bypassing them altogether. Jealousy? Not calling you on your birthday? Who cares?
That’s no excuse for not treating each other well. Treating each other very, very well, in fact. A truly toe-curling friends-who-f*** relationship isn’t just a way to pass the time until a ‘real’ relationship comes along. It’s an intimate connection with another person which needs to be respected. And it can be hot as hell.
So go on – be a little naughty. What have you got to lose?
Lady Friday xx
Taking the pillow talk out of the bedroom, every Friday…
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