Dear Lady Friday, I’m in a hot new relationship and everything’s going brilliantly – but my new partner just can’t click with me in bed. I don’t know what to do – the banter is fantastic and the chemistry is there, but between the sheets it’s a total flop. Should I cut and run?
There are two schools of thought about bad lovers.
One is that, with time and love and a lot of positive reassurance, they can be moulded into the perfect bedroom mate.
The other is that life is too short, it may not be fixable anyway, and it’s time to let it go and find somebody else.
Which path you take depends very much on what sort of bad lover your partner is. There are just as many ways to be bad in bed as there are to be good – probably more, unfortunately.
The main issue is that you don’t let it rest and resign yourself to not being aroused because they’re perfect in all other ways. Intimacy is serious business – focus on getting it right, or you’ll grow to resent your partner for putting you in a pleasureless position.
So how can you tell what’s able to be fixed and what simply will never adapt to your needs?
Observation time. Divide the whole messy issue into two elements: what happens when you get into bed which peeves you, and what have you been doing to fix it?
Identify precisely what’s going wrong on the practical side of things. Often this is easier than it looks. Technique when giving head is a big turn-off for women if done wrong – some women can’t stand excess pressure, others hate disjointed rhythm or fingernails which haven’t been cut (ouch), still others hate being kissed afterwards.
Science dictates that nobody is turned on in exactly the same way, a fact which should not surprise adult lovers but which often, surprisingly, does. If your partner seems to think you should be aroused in the same way all their exes were, don’t worry – it’s common.
When it comes to the main event, is it hurting? Are things being said which you’re not comfortable with? Are you being asked or demanded to move into positions which you dislike? Is premature ejaculation an issue, or not enough foreplay, or simple overthinking by both of you?
Also examine what exactly you’ve been doing to target the issue. Have you been encouraging or discouraging to practises you don’t like? Have you been open or vocal about your feelings, and given positive reinforcement (moans, bites, whispers) when they do the right thing? Are you being flexible and willing to hear their desires? Have you taken a respectful stance, or have there been arguments? Have they reacted by trying to please, or by ignoring you?
Here’s the basic low-down: if it’s a simple case of their doing the wrong thing physically or verbally, it can be fixed – provided they’re willing to listen and take direction. Some partners adapt well to new lovers and their needs, but others are stuck in a rut and refuse to adapt for ego reasons. You have to let the latter go.
Fetishes are complex. If you’re simply into very different things in bed, with defined identities and tastes, you must both give ground and compromise, or it isn’t going to work. If that’s not possible for one of you, it’s time to end it.
Physical incompatibility is a more awkward area. If there’s a size problem or performance issues, talking won’t resolve them – and it may be time to see a doctor, or find other ways of pleasuring one another which don’t hurt.
Lastly, body image issues and other psychological problems pose a tricky issue for new lovers. Sorting out what’s going wrong in your partner’s head often takes love, energy and commitment, and it has to be a burden you’re ready for.
Lady Friday xx
Taking the pillow talk out of the bedroom, every Friday…
