Intelligent lust might just save your bedroom life. What are you waiting for? Read on.
There are a lot of intimacy-related psychology theories out there.
It’s unsurprising, really – what we do with our clothes off can get to the very heart of our personalities, relationships, intelligence and desires. If you’ve seen A Dangerous Method, where Freud and Jung brood over Keira Knightley in a corset, you’ll get the point.
However, there’s one theory currently doing the rounds which is getting a lot of attention – partially because it seems to make quite a lot of sense.
It’s called, catchily, Intelligent Lust, and it’s the brainchild of an American psychologist called Stanley Siegel, who talks about it regularly in Psychology Today. Hardly sounds lusty, but bear with me.
The principle? Fairly simple – that what happens in the bedroom is deeply connected to our personal histories and fantasies, and that to ignore them is fatal. Embracing them, though, might be the key to having the best romps of your life.
So how to practise intelligent lust? Here are RESCU’s top tips.
1. Learn how to talk confidently about intimacy.
This, for many of us, is the hardest part of changing anything – talking about intimacy without causing World War Three.
However, we’re all sexual beings, and if we want to get anywhere we need to be able to discuss what we want!
Don’t stumble, stutter, put yourself down, play the blame game, or turn the experience into a power-fraught minefield. You’re adults. Have an adult conversation.
Discussions about this topic can often veer into over-reaction, as partners believe they’re being maligned, challenged or somehow put down. You’ve got to comfort your partner while still being clear about things.
Stop thinking about intimacy as something shameful or horribly private, and start thinking of it as something necessary. Make lists of things you’d like partners to know about you, and start talking about it early on in new relationships, to see if they’re open, too.
If, no matter what you do, there’s a total conversational stopgap between you and things always degenerate into a fight, consider seeking some kind of therapy – or showing them the door.
2. Examine your fantasies in detail, and be prepared for odd connections.
So tell yourself what you want, what you really really want.
Even the most innocent fantasies, ones you’ve had since you were eleven, can be clues to what really turns you on in bed. And intelligent lust dictates that those dreams are relevant.
According to Siegel, for some of us intimacy can be a way of ‘acting out’ or resolving things we never had as kids or adolescents.
If we never had any power in the household, we can imagine ourselves as dominatrixes – or as being dominated (it goes either way).
Look at what you dream about, even in a romantic sense, without putting it down as ‘silly’ or ‘just thoughts’ or ‘shameful’. Sidelining a desire for whatever reason isn’t a great idea. You just need to find somebody who’ll help you act it out.
Maybe you dream of being swept away and romanced, or given attention by a famous person, or dominating a partner, or participating in acts you know are ‘naughty’ or ‘wrong’ (these last ones are pretty common among people who grew up in houses where sex wasn’t talked about or was a ‘bad’ thing).
Really give it some thought, and determine what’s underneath it – and whether you’re ready to find somebody who’ll help.
3. Look for partners who match what these fantasies dictate, rather than what you ‘think’ you should want.
Never have any chemistry with the people you date? Yeah, this might be the problem. If you keep going out with partners who fulfill on-paper lists (attractive, right amount of education, right parents, common interests) rather than really looking for what attracts you, you’re missing out.
Fantasising about short, stocky, unattractive people when you always date tall willowy types isn’t ‘just a fantasy’ – it’s who you are. So recalibrate your options.
Look for people with whom you feel a real, genuine spark of chemistry – even if it’s just for a casual relationship. Ignore convention, expectation and everything, except your conscience and the law (don’t date the underage or maritally unavailable).
4. Act out your fantasies, with lots of safeguards.
Getting to actually act out a fantasy can often stop people cold. After all, it’s just silly games, right? Wrong.
We’re highly imaginative creatures – it’s one of our nice evolutionary advantages. Intimacy isn’t just an act, it’s an entire state of mind, and fantasies are a pretty crucial part of it.
So set out safeguards, talk a lot about what you both want and what your dynamics are, and gradually make your way.
It’s also a matter of degree. If you dream of being swept off your feet and rescued, your partner doesn’t have to dress as an Avenger on the first try.
Find scripts that appeal to you, and say the right words. Also, never make assumptions about what other peoples’ fantasies might be. Just because they’re dominant in everyday life, for instance, doesn’t mean they like to be like that in bed.
Leave the door open for people to surprise you – and you never know what you’ll find…
Lady Friday xx
Taking the pillow talk out of the bedroom, every Friday.
