Friendship being torn apart by unequal wealth? Don’t let the green-eyed monster get you. Miss Manners has RESCU’s top tips for coping with money envy – whether you’re rich or poor.
Money and friendship don’t mix – it’s the wisest proverb around. However grown-up we all try to be, though, jealousy about lifestyle and success is one of the prime causes for relationship breakdowns, whether it’s with your partner or a mate. Want to know how to handle the situation with grace and good form? Read on.
If You’re The Target
So you got a pay rise, a scholarship, a great job, or an inheritance? Good for you! Now, here’s how to handle the envious among your friends and lovers.
1. Be tactful.
Don’t bring up your good fortune or hard-earned success excessively. Being humble about your success is one of the more flattering things a person can do. If you’ve bought a car, a yacht, a trip to Paris, mention it if asked, but never boast, and downplay your answers. As much as you deserve your windfall, it’s not anybody’s business but your own.
2. If people want to pay, let them pay.
If a less privileged friend wants to pay when you go out, let them, even if you suspect it’ll hurt them. Always offer to split the bill, but telling them it’s ‘your treat’ continually may make them feel as if you’re condescending.
3. Don’t feel guilty.
Success does not mean you have to apologise continually for your circumstances so you won’t offend people. The perfect etiquette is a balance between being secure in yourself and making others secure around you. If people are insecure or jealous, and you’ve done your best to assuage their feelings, ultimately it’s their look-out.
4. Talk about it.
If you think a friend’s really hurting and can’t quite handle your new success, bring it up, as delicately as you can, preferably when you’re alone. They might be hiding a lot of disappointment and anger, and unless you deal with it together the relationship’s going to founder.
If You’re The Jealous One
Suddenly the one who earns less? It’s easy to be bitter, but it’s more gratifying and healthy to be happy.
1. Resist the temptation to snipe.
Difficult though it may be to restrain your desire to scream when a friend goes on, endlessly, about her new Hermes Birkin and her upcoming Safari while you’re drowning in debt, it won’t help. You’ll just end up looking like a shrew – and your friend doesn’t deserve it.
2. Don’t avoid the person.
It might be better for your manners if you learn to deal with your feelings. Don’t be falsely pleased, and don’t be cool or angry in public – just appreciate their company, and grit your teeth when it comes to money talk.
3. Be happy for the good fortune of others.
This is an etiquette issue, believe it or not. If you show delight and sincere pleasure when other people have things – even if it’s something you desperately want – they’ll probably react the same way to you when something similar comes your way. Count your own blessings in your head if you need to.
4. Again, talk about it.
It can be difficult to instigate a chat of this sort if you’re the one who’s suffering from jealousy, but if you’re sincerely offended by a friend’s money talk, or find it grossly insensitive, you may need to alert them to it. There’s a difference between being proud of oneself and gloating about it, and if your friend’s crossed the line in your eyes, let them know.
Yours sincerely,
Miss Manners
