When it comes to relationships, it is normal for things to sometimes take a slight dip down in the intimacy department. It’s unfortunately part of life and can happen to the most in-love couples for a multitude of reasons including stress, children, self-esteem, communication problems or just a lack of desire.
All too often I hear people complain to me about their sex lives or lack-thereof without taking any responsibility for it or believing that there is something they can do about it. While I would never play the blame game or want to make you feel guilty about it (quite the opposite), it is important for you to know that the first step to spicing up your love life is to stop making excuses and realise that you do have the power to change and get what you want. Sometimes additional help might be needed, but in many circumstances you can start with the basic and more closer to home.
So, when one of these five common intimacy rut scenarios pop up and the spark just doesn’t ignite anymore, know you have the power and ability to make positive changes and follow some of this advice…
1. You have recently had a baby or have small children and find it hard to get any time to be sexual together
First of all, it’s normal for sex to suffer under these circumstances due to many different factors stemming from body image, lack of sleep and especially for women if this is a first child, a balancing act between the role of a mother and nurturer and a sexual women with the sexuality part the one that will suffer the most. It might take some time getting use to these new roles and also a lack of sleep, so it’s important to be patient. However for men, sex can often be a way that love and desire is shown and to take it off the table completely can have a negative backlash. It’s important not to rush intercourse but instead still make sure you are sexual and intimate with your partner. For a while you both might need to find satisfaction in touch and affection and smaller sexual acts than the big finale. Think of foreplay as maybe the main act for a while. Be creative with how you can both experience touch, pleasure and affection that does not involve penis/vagina sex. It’s not forever but it’s important to keep the sexual contact going as it will be easier this way to get it back to full speed.
2. You feel as though sex has become mechanical and it’s the same routine over and over again
With our busy lives we can all get into a sexual routine. It starts off with one thing, gets into another and then it’s over. Doing anything the same over and over again can get boring so no wonder if this is the case with bedroom life, the frequency might dwindle. But when you feel stuck in rut or in this case stuck in routine, getting out of it seems like the end of the earth. Like with most problems in life, start small. Getting that creativity back does not involve building a dungeon in your bedroom (unless that’s what you want) but try changing one small thing in your bedroom behavior chain. It might be something simple like an ice cube or using a neck tie as a blind fold and focus on that until you move on to the next. Start with the more simpler acts like kissing, touching and playing with sensations before you move on to something more complicated and experimental. Often we skip over the basics and want to get to the kinky, but starting off small and introducing one new thing at a time can not only take the pressure off you feeling like you need to act like a porn star, but start you on a path to a better and more fulfilling sex life. See this as a journey not a quick fix situation.
3. You feel insecure about your body and can’t relax when you are intimate with your partner
Most women when they suffer from body issues in the bedroom do not share these with their partner, instead internalizing them, making them stuck in their own heads and shutting off the ability to enjoy sex. If these worries are not shared they can cause a women to withdraw from her partner and him possibly taking this as a form of rejection, also withdrawing further and wondering what he has done wrong. Sometimes the best start to fixing body image issues in the bedroom is flagging them. That way you can discuss and hopefully your partner can help you worship your body and support you through your concerns. Also don’t be scared to ask him point blank, “ I need help to feel better about my body so I can enjoy sex.” Sometimes these men have great intention but are not sure how to help. Spelling in out clearly might be a must. He is focusing on having sex with you and probably not even aware of what’s going on in your head or how he can help.
4. You want to try new things in the bedroom but are scared to ask your partner in case he takes offence by it
When it comes to asking for anything new in the bedroom, it can often be daunting due to the risk of possibly offending your partner. By asking for something new are you telling them you are not satisfied with your current sex life? Not necessarily. But it is important especially when it comes to the male species to be gentle on their ego as a bruised one can have some interesting consequences. Start by telling him how much you love him, how sexy he is and what an amazing lover he is in the bedroom before you deliver that line “ but I would like to try something new.” Before he has time to get offended, follow up with another reassurance of how amazing he is closely backed by some potential solutions or things you might want to try. Never leave a guy hanging when you deliver something that might be perceived as a blow. Always give him hope that there is a light at the end of the tunnel or a handcuff waiting in the bedside drawer.
5. You are both busy working and are both often exhausted by the time you come home
Dare I say the worlds ‘scheduling sex?’ When things get busy and time is a luxury, sometimes planning sex is a must but it doesn’t have to be that mechanical and it’s not the end of the world. The pressures of having to perform and get aroused according to your diary can be a real mood killer, so instead schedule sexy time where you are free to do what you want, naked, clothed or anything in between as long as it is time that you and your partner are together . You have the option for sex if you feel like it but it’s not a must. Sometimes being alone and affectionate is what you need more than sex in order to get the fire burning again. This sexy time that you schedule together must also have as much impotence as meetings or deadlines. You need to get into the routine of placing importance on your romantic and sexual life instead of pushing it down the list like so many do. Once it’s down the bottom of the list it’s often hard to get it back on top so keep it floating up there.
