Don’t fall back into bed together
I’ve done whole columns on the dangers of ex-sex before, but it’s particularly important just after the break-up: don’t do it.
It’ll just make things more emotional and more difficult, and trust me, it’s not the comfort you need.
If you do need to talk about things seriously, keep your legs crossed. Sex and emotions are closely tied together, particularly for women, so make sure not to make this classic mistake.
Don’t sleep with anybody you can get your hands on
Been dumped? That sucks.
However, you know what isn’t a great remedy? Trying to bolster your self-esteem by sleeping with anybody who’ll have you, to reaffirm your ‘desirability’.
Basic truth: your desirable qualities aren’t going to be proven or disproven by how many strangers want to go home with you. It might seem like a quick fix, but it’ll just end up getting you into trouble unless you’re clear-headed and rational about it, and chances are that in the wake of a break-up you won’t be.
Similarly, don’t start hitting on friends or people who’ve previously featured in your life with the ex – particularly friends of his. Sleeping with anybody for ‘revenge’ is very college-age. Are you 18? No? Don’t succumb.
I’m not saying be a monk – but don’t go out on a rampage to ‘prove’ something. Any sexual activity needs to be for your pleasure and your partner’s, not for some angry agenda.
Don’t act out of character
Never had a one-night stand in your life? Now is not the time to start.
Similarly, never dived into a new relationship without long and protracted courting first? Don’t do that, either.
Your past relationship has changed you, but freedom from another person’s expectations and care doesn’t mean that you need to start behaving completely out of character. Nobody will judge you for it, and now is not the time to ‘turn over a new leaf’ – you’re not ready.
This rule doesn’t apply if your character involves cheating perpetually or hurting other peoples’ feelings using sex, by the way. By all means stop doing that.
Do revert to good masturbation habits
You might not feel like indulging in self-pleasure considering that you’re likely to be immensely depressed for a while – but it’s important to reassert a good set of habits in this area.
Women in relationships, for obvious reasons, masturbate less – but if you’ve just come out of a relationship, this is a really important aspect to reintroduce to your life.
Believe me, it’s worth it – and it’ll be a big boost to your happiness to know that a partner isn’t necessary to achieve orgasm or enjoy yourself. We can forget that, post-break up.
Invest in a new sex toy – it’ll cheer you up.
Do be realistic about what worked in the bedroom and what didn’t
Once you’ve attained some distance from the relationship, look back on the bedroom department dispassionately.
What did your partner do that you liked, and what didn’t happen enough or wasn’t quite right?
This might seem excessively clinical, and you probably won’t be ready for it for months if it was a particularly emotional break-up, but it’s important that future partners (and yes, you will have them) benefit from your past experience.
Besides, it might help to realise that they were completely crap at giving you head.
Lady Friday xx
