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While divorce rates continue to climb, studies also show that a healthy relationship is good for your physical and mental wellbeing. So putting in some effort to making yours successful is not only good for your loved ones, it is good for your own health and happiness.
Here, Martina Sheehan, author of The Great Relationships Guide and co-creator of Mind Gardener®, provides some practical tips that can transform any relationship into something great.
1: Fresh Eyes
Chemicals “switch on” your brain during the honeymoon phase of relationships, heightening your attention and making everything that your new partner does so very interesting. As the relationship continues, these chemicals subside back to normal levels and a feeling of complacency can follow. So keep your chemicals switched on by paying attention with fresh eyes at least once every day.
2: A Little Thank You
People get happier in relationships by focusing on the things that they have, and are grateful for, rather than the things that are missing in their relationship. Thank your partner for at least 3 things every day. It could be something small, like handing you a towel to dry your hands, or the big things like being in your life.
3: 10% More
People in lasting relationships report that they require constant work, commitment and effort. Contrary to myth, they do not happen all by themselves. Have a relationship reality check and ask how much effort you have put into your relationship in the last day, week, month or year. Everyday put an extra 10% into your relationship and see what effect this has.
4: Sudden Fun
Being spontaneous in your relationship is not only fun, it is also good for your brain because it releases the neurotransmitter dopamine. Have some sudden fun by surprising your partner with something you normally wouldn’t do. Pack a picnic for dinner tonight, wrap up a happy movie like a gift and watch it together, or meet them at their bus stop and walk home together.
5: Aim for 5
Successful relationships have 5:1 positive to negative interactions. If you slip to 0.8:1, you might be headed for separation! When a negative experience or incident occurs in your relationship, compensate by initiating 5 positive experiences. It might be as simple as a compliment, or letting them sleep in while you prepare breakfast.
6: Criticism Free Week
Regular criticism of your partner’s character using terms such as “you always” and “you never” is one of the predictors of divorce. Have a criticism-free week. Remove “you always” and “you never” from your vocabulary and see what effect this has on the other person and your relationship.
7: 7 Second Hug
Romantic touch triggers the release of oxytocin, which is a key hormone in the pair bonding process. It also helps to reduce negative emotions. Whenever you greet your partner, say goodbye or for no reason at all, hug them and hold the embrace for 7 seconds to allow both your brains to release oxytocin.
8: Dress to Impress
Complacency creeps into long term relationships, switching the brain to autopilot and reducing the quality of attention you give to each other. Dressing up switches the brain back on and can trigger memories of why you were first impressed with each other. So dress up regularly even if just for dinner at home. It shows you care.
9: A Positive Start
Only 4% of couples who start a conversation negatively can turn it around into something positive. Audit your speech, paying particular attention to how you start conversations with your partner. Train your brain to take a positive approach and refrain from using sarcasm, criticism and negativity.
10: Be a Flirt
Flirting behaviors send non-verbal signals designed to make you attractive to others, and to heighten the attention that you receive from the object of your flirtation. People in long term relationships often lose the flirting habit and don’t experience these benefits. So flirt with your significant other this week and enjoy the attention.
The Great Relationships Guide (RRP $39.99) is available from www.mindgardener.com.au
