In your romantic relationship, in your family relationships and in your workplace relationships, Karen Phillip gives us the one-two on the best way to go about a sincere apology. When ‘sorry’ seems to be the hardest word…
‘Sorry’ is a word that should not be used until a child is about 10 years old.
It is an abstract word to a child and when we ask a child to say sorry it means nothing except if I say this word I can move on and everything is alright again. It has little meaning to a child like it does for an adult.
The word sorry can be very strong. If we do something to hurt the feelings of another person we care about saying sorry appeases them and they feel you have legitimised their feelings. It of course needs to be said with the intent of regret and not just as a word to appease. We can at times say or do something that may result in our partner or family feeling hurt; we apologise and hope all is forgiven. Problem is if the apology is made regularly and the actions do not change the person continuing to apologise will not have their continued apology accepted after a time.
If we are legitimately sorry for behaviour, action or word we need to ensure the apology is sincere and we can achieve this by stating what you can do the next time if this situation arises and how to avoid the same damaging behaviour. We all need to be aware of the damage we can do to others by using words or behaviours that hurt.
Of course there may be times when a loved one or workmate will be offended or hurt and we believe what we said or did was a legitimate action. We do not want to apologise as we believe we did nothing wrong however the hurt person remains.
Apologising for a behaviour we do not believe we caused or was a legitimate response is usually transparent and this can escalate the issue being an empty apology. This is best avoided. I suggest we recognise the hurt they feel and say sorry they are feeling that way. The person often accepts this as a form of an apology however it is simply recognition of your understanding they feel hurt or upset.
We can ask the person what it is we may be able to do to alleviate their feelings and if reasonable we may decide to do this for them. If however their request is not reasonable then discussion and communication on the event and subsequent feelings is important. Never let these feelings fester as they often escalate and what may have been a small matter can become quite overwhelming.
If your partner does or says something that is hurtful or offensive, tell them how you feel. Express the reason you feel the way you do, perhaps you believe it was unfair, unjust, nasty or childlike. Explain what it is you feel rather than what the person did or said. It is important to remember regardless of what someone says to us, it is us who remain responsible for our feelings and responses.
If you have hurt a person you love or care for, take the time to look at them directly and say the word ‘Sorry’, tell them what it is you are sorry for, explain it was an inexcusable reaction and you should have behaved more appropriately. Explain what it is you will do better and differently next time.
This enables the hurt person to accept and understand you have thought about the action or behaviour and make a different and better choice next time. A special gift, foot rub, shoulder massage or something the other person can feel good about is a nice way to express the sorry in another way than just words. T
The most important thing however is to ensure your behaviour is improved and different the next time otherwise the sorry will lose its legitimacy and strength.
