By: Isiah McKimmie
Relationship Therapist and Sexologist
Parent sex made headlines and it’s about time.
Postpartum sex is one of the least discussed aspects of sexuality and while it may not be as exciting as 50 Shades of Grey – it is the reality for many couples. Too often, this challenging time in a relationship remains in the dark.
Recent research by Dr Terri Foran, Royal Hospital for Women sexual health physician found that almost two thirds of women experience sexual challenges 6 months after giving birth. That’s a lot of couples experiencing challenges.
Firstly, know that changes to a couple’s intimacy after they have children is normal.
With so much going on, including changes in hormone levels for both partners, lack of sleep, vaginal changes and a new child to take care of it’s understandable that sex falls off the radar. It is important for new parents to know however that it doesn’t need to stay that way.
Here are 3 reasons it’s worth addressing:
1. Your relationship is important to your whole family. You having a loving, intimate connection is going to benefit everyone around you, including your children.
2. Research has shown that there are two things that are vital to maintaining a long-term loving, passionate relationship: staying good friends and making sex a priority.
3. Sexual challenges don’t tend to get better on their own. Some, such as pain during sex, can actually become worse when left unaddressed. Many couples also find that the longer they wait to rebuild their bedroom connection, the harder it becomes.
As a Relationship Therapist and sexologist, I often see couples who have waited until their children are toddlers or are starting school before starting to look at this area of their lives. Many wish they had addressed it earlier.
Although sex can seem like hard work sometimes, it really doesn’t have to be.
It can be a beautiful, connecting and energising part of your relationship.
Here are some of the most common sexual challenges women experience after giving birth and what you can do to overcome them.
Pain during sex
Vaginal pain following child birth, regardless of the method of delivery or ease of birth is common. There can be several causes including tearing of the vaginal tissue, hormonal changes and other pelvic damage.
What to do
Firstly, take your time and go slowly when you are being intimate. You’ll need gentle foreplay and an understanding partner.
Scar tissue massage (particularly with castor oil) has been shown to be effective.
Using a personal lubricant during intercourse is recommended. Your hormonal balance will change post baby, effecting your lubrication and the tissue of the vagina. I suggest my clients see a reputable sensuality boutique like PASH to find a lubricant that is right for them.
You may also benefit from a specially designed vaginal moisturizer.
Finally, know that this is a common problem and it won’t last forever. Focus on intimacy and enjoyment with your partner rather than the goal of intercourse.
And of course, if the pain persists, talk to a trusted GP or Sexologist.
Lack of Libido
It is completely normal for your libido to go AWOL with a new baby in the house. Chances are you’ll be stressed, lacking sleep and experiencing huge hormonal changes – all enemies of a thriving sex life.
Sometimes psychological factors like what you see as appropriate behaviour for a mother or how you feel about your body post pregnancy and birth can impact your libido also.
What to do
Although you’ll have a change in priorities with a new baby around, make sure your relationship still gets the attention it deserves. This is a challenging time for your partner too who may be feeling a little left out and lacking attention as you bond with baby.
Focus on pleasure, intimacy and loving touch rather than the goal of intercourse and orgasm.
Remember that you don’t need to wait until you’re feeling a burning drive for sex in order to be sexually intimate with your partner. You might be surprised by what happens when you just get started.
If you or your partner are feeling concerned about your lack of lust, it may be helpful to talk to a sexologist or sex therapist to help get things back on track.
Challenge reaching orgasm
Stress, lack of sleep, hormonal changes and the physical effects of childbirth can impact your ability to orgasm postpartum.
What to do
Take the pressure off. Once again, focus on intimacy and pleasure rather than any goal. Let your partner know that your lack or orgasm is about you and your body, not their performance.
Kegel exercises before and after giving birth can also help. Although you can do Kegel’s on your own, their are also great tools available for support including Jade eggs, Ben Wa balls and vaginal barbells.
Lack of lubrication
Once again we have hormonal changes to thank for this. Breast feeding and having a young baby around will make lubrication more difficult. Vaginal dryness doesn’t necessarily mean a lack of interest in sex or your partner.
What to do
Know that this is likely to continue while you’re breast feeding. Using a personal lubricant can help.
At least 15 minutes of foreplay is recommended to help your body fully prepare for sex, so slow down and take your time.
If you have concerns about any challenge related to sex, intimacy or your relationship following child birth, speak to a trusted professional. The sooner you start to address any challenges, the easier they will be to resolve.
A good therapist will work with you where you’re at, in an understanding and compassionate way.
Isiah McKimmie
Isiah McKimmie is a Relationship Therapist and Sexologist who has been helping individuals and couples improve their sex lives and relationships for almost a decade. Find out more here.
