Tread carefully… Relationship expert Kathryn Eisman explains how to reel in Mr Right

By Kathryn Eisman, Relationship Expert

www.kathryneisman.com

Kim Kardashian was desperate for a baby with ex-beau Miles Ashton even though they were only together a few months. We asked relationship expert Kathryn Eisman to reveal when it’s okay to talk to your guy about your hopes and goals for the future.

We’ve all seen the girl in the long suffering relationship that seems to be going nowhere fast. Everyone around her knows she’s desperate to get married, and hoping to start a family. Yet, year after year, you see her hanging around him like a cross around an atheist’s neck. No closer to getting what she wants – stuck in relationship purgatory. Meanwhile her man is in heaven, getting all of his needs met, seemingly oblivious to, or perhaps simply uninterested in hers.

It’s frustrating to watch, agonising to experience – witness it once, and you’ll vow to never be ‘that’ girl (or at least, never again). You take a sacred oath with yourself; to never let a man get between you and your plans, to put yourself first, to keep your self-esteem high, to ask for what you want, and to never let the fear of losing a man facilitate the loss of self.

And off you march into the dating world – with your spiked Louboutin heels and your even more rigid relationship demands – the ring, the wedding, the house, the kids, the whole kit and caboodle. Heaven help the guy that gets between you and your plan.

The problem is, it’s easy to forget that the man is more than a mere accessory in this grand scheme. Though he may blank over when you ask him how many children he wants, you can bet yourself that he’s not oblivious to what’s really being discussed – your plan. And no man, no matter how ready to commit, wants to be thought of as a pawn in your personal game of chess. Instead of getting on one knee – he’ll be heading for the door. And locking it behind him.

So how to find a happy medium between being a door mat and appearing like a woman in search of a sperm donor?

The key is to wait a few dates before bringing up anything too heavy. Just like a fine bottle of wine, men need to be left to breath in order to get the best flavours out of them.

Rather than locking in a commitment schedule – see if you’re actually compatible. Does he make you laugh? Do you encourage each other to be the best you can be? Does he support you? Do you admire him? It’s time to stop planning tomorrow long enough to actually enjoy today.

Then and only then, once you know that this is someone you want to build a life with – it’s perfectly fine to ask him about his views on marriage and kids. Just remember, even though you’re talking about “your friend”, he knows you’re talking about yourself.

There’s nothing wrong with him knowing that those things are important to you and to check in to see if he eventually might want the same things. The key is to be gentle handed and once you’ve discovered his feelings (and that he hopefully doesn’t view marriage as a prison sentence), back off and allow the relationship to take its natural course. The more you pressure him, the more repelled he’s likely to be, even if he is Mr. Right!

Here are 3 scary topics you should avoid until you get a chance to really know each other.

1. “I’m looking for a marriage partner.” Any version of this statement can be a real turn-off for many men. They often feel like a commodity in the marketplace that you’re checking out with a view to buying. Even if you do hope to marry in the next year or two, keep quiet about your plans until you find out whether this guy is the one. Even then, let him take the initiative in the commitment department. Many guys do not respect girls who take the lead, fearing her aggressiveness bodes ill for a long-term relationship.

2. “I can’t wait to have kids.” This is another sizzler that tells the man you are looking for an assembly line marriage. Each relationship is unique, and it is best to discuss the prospect of having children with a man who may be seriously thinking about getting engaged. If your male friend is still in college or unhappily employed, the last thing he wants is the image of a dependent family whose needs ensure that he get and keep any possible job for their support. Give the relationship time to blossom before discussing projected dreams.

3. “I think you should change your work schedule so we can go out more.” This sounds like a demanding wife already, someone who plans to force her desires above her husband’s needs. A job schedule has to take priority over a social calendar whether one party likes it or not. Girls who come across as demanding, controlling, or self-centred are likely to be passed over as marriage material. Work on developing compassion for the man in your life in terms of his job and his personal interests. Put your agenda on hold – indefinitely – except for things that truly matter.

Watch your words, ladies, if you want a guy to fall for you and stick around. Why? Because no one wants to frighten Mr Right away….