By JT
If your relationship has more twists and turns (and screaming) than a Luna Park rollercoaster, you need our ‘rescu’ remedy for restoring calm to the chaos.
Try some of these scenarios on for size. You had a pretty smooth relationship, but lately you’ve been fantasising about setting his prized possessions on fire. Your man does really aggravating things, and when you complain, he keeps doing them… Arguments about really small things blow up into World War Three. Your relationship’s about as stable, reliable and secure as the future of General Motors.
Sound familiar? If yes, you’re in a very chaotic relationship space. First things first: if it’s making your life utterly miserable or you suspect it’s emotionally abusive, get out. No questions. Just leave.
If you do want to stay, but feel clueless about why you’re caught in relationship tumble-dry, here’s a guide to help you understand the possible causes. Often there are reasons for the chemistry between two people turning explosive. True, maybe you’re both just madder than Tom Cruise, but it’s more likely that:
Things have changed and you’re both finding it difficult to adapt
Look at your relationship history. Has one of you started a new job, changed their living situation or suddenly developed more or less free time? Relationships fall into patterns, with expectations about how much is dedicated by each partner. Lifestyle shifts can up-end that balance – and perhaps one partner is now always waiting for the other to finish work, or is feeling insecure and needs more affection.
One or both of you aren’t having your needs met
If you’re mad that he didn’t unpack the dishwasher, there’s a fair chance that you’re actually mad about something else. Perhaps you’re feeling as if you’re not getting your full quota: of affection, respect, desire or time. This is a big cause for confusing conflict, because you’re arguing about the symptoms, not the problem itself.
You enjoy the drama
Honestly, maybe it adds a bit of spice to things when you’re exploding at one another. You may think you’re doing this because you’re angry, but perhaps you’re just attached to the high flow of passionate emotions, particularly during the make-ups.
The honeymoon period is over
Surprise! Your partner’s not perfect! No, really. He isn’t the immaculate angel you conceived of during the first throes of love. Some couples, rather than going “well, he’s still pretty all right” and getting over it, feel like they’ve been betrayed or misled.
You’re not compromising
If you’re always focussed on getting what you want and need, or just on being right, rather than on helping the relationship and trying to get along, you’re not going to have an easy ride. Relationships need vulnerability and compromise – otherwise you just bump heads.
You just rub each other the wrong way.
It’s entirely possible that you two have changed, the friendship beneath the relationship has rotted, and you simply can’t get along any more. It’s sad, but it happens.
Check out these links for further information and help:
Article by Relationships Australia on Building Better Relationships:
https://www.relationships.com.au/advice/building-better-relationships/building-better-relationships
Article by the Australian Psychological Society on Diagnosing Relationship Problems:
https://www.psychology.org.au/community/relationship/
List of resources on NetDoctor that cover Relationship Difficulties:
https://www.netdoctor.co.uk/sex_relationships/ate/relationship_difficulties/600207.shtml
Recommended book: The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans.
Do you have any advice for anyone in this situation? If so, share it below.