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Anal (let’s just call it by its proper name, since we’re adults) is one of the touchier subjects in sex discussions. There are lots of myths, and many unspoken fears.
Let’s start at the very beginning: basic physical facts. Anal sex involves a male partner (or a female partner with a dildo) placing a penis up where the sun don’t shine, i.e the sphincter.
Myths include the idea that only men enjoy anal, and that women suffer through it for their sake. Totally untrue, and kind of insulting. The wall between the rectum and the vagina is thinner than Paris Hilton’s veneer of respectability, so the G-spot can be directly stimulated, thank you very much.
The idea that men enjoy this variety of bedroom fun because it’s ‘tighter’ (and unlikely to end with a surprise nine months later) is sometimes true, but to be honest, it’s often more about intimacy and variety. There are plenty of ways to spice up your bedroom life without going for backdoor play, though, so if you’re downright uncomfortable with the concept:
Just Say No
If not, you need to take certain steps to make sure everybody’s happy, unhurt, and capable of getting off. After all, the anus generally has a biological sign on it saying Wrong Way, Go Back.
This is not a sudden, romantic, let’s-do-it gesture – or it is if you really want to end your relationship and can’t think of a really inappropriate way to do it.
Anal doesn’t have to be an immediate full-on-sex experience. If you can, experiment with toys beforehand over a few days, to give you both experience in the area and in what feels good. Anal beads and plugs are a good start; they gently introduce you to your muscles and nerves. Fingers are, as always, good substitutes.
(DO NOT use round-the-house items. Embarrassing trip to the emergency room.)
Also, in the interests of comfort: go to the bathroom beforehand, and if possible have a shower too. It’s not going to be a messy experience – no, I don’t care what horrible stories you’ve heard – but for your own pleasure you’ve got to take some measures to be ‘unblocked’ as it were.
Think you need a lot of foreplay NORMALLY? You’re going to need to double that. Or at least be so turned on by the time you even contemplate anal that you want to tear down the curtains and howl at the moon.
Interesting fact: traditional, glycerin-based lubricants won’t last long enough for the amount of lubrication you need in a lasting sexual encounter. Silicon-based lubes are necessary for everybody involved to enjoy the experience.
Unlike your lady-parts, the anus doesn’t naturally lubricate, so you have to make sure there’s enough, not just for the first few seconds, but for the entire duration. Prepare to look faintly like a wet seal.
(If either of you wants to keep it extremely clean, get some latex gloves, too. This isn’t the worst idea in the world, and adds a kinky aspect. Note that you can still catch an STI this way, so if you’re not monogamous, use condoms – and keep well away from your vagina with those parts you used, because this is one of the classic ways women catch UTIs.)
Relax
Get a massage; if you’re the receiver, ask for some gentle kneading around your back, butt and anus, to relax the sphincter and area in general. (Note: use of the word ‘sphincter’ in bed may cause uncontrollable laughter.)
Be incredibly slow
When it comes to the actual act. This is no swift wham-bam experience; it requires tenacity and tenderness to do properly, without causing damage. If you don’t trust your partner to take their time, don’t go for it. They aren’t going to give you internal bleeding, but come on, that’s just RUDE.
Other parts- like the clit – can still be stimulated while you’re having anal, but for god’s sake tell your partner to be sensible and only use the hand and fingers that have been nowhere near your back entrance.
It’s mostly comfortable to start off in a traditional doggy-style position, but you can always experiment once you’re comfortable. Up against the wall? In a shower? While wearing a jaunty sailor’s outfit? Whatever floats your boat, as it were.
You shouldn’t get hurt by this beyond some beginning discomfort, so if it’s aching, or is incredibly uncomfortable, you need (obviously) to stop. Working through the pain is for Navy SEALS. Don’t be an idiot.
Everybody needs to clean afterwards
And whatever items were used need to be either cleaned thoroughly or thrown away if disposable. Don’t get freaked out if you see residue on the condom – that’s just, alas, part of the deal when you go to the dark parts of downtown.
Lady Friday xx
Taking the pillow talk out of the bedroom, every Friday…
